just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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