i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
