Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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