For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT