mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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