I only kidnapped one of them. chill
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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