Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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