Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
