mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
