is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
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Drunk walkin through police station. America
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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