i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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