We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
