shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Blood and glitter go together right?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
