If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
porn star boner night. come get it.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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