at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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