I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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