a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
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You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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