I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Oh god it's open bar.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I forget how to act sober
Randomize