Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
