he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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