"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like death gave me a hand job
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
