Screwed.edu
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
