my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
