You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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