My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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