My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
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The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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