Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
