When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
