Need sex. Gaining weight.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
