dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
