i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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