if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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