Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
