yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
