drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
