What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
