You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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