guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
