Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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