he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
