I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You left your phone here
Wait...
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