I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
