Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
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