don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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