it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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