i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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