Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
