We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
