He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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