goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize