dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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