that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's shark week go big or go home
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
