the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
