I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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